Therapy for Anxiety and Social Anxiety
When you look in depth at social anxiety the person does not find comfort in people or being with people. It is not about being shy or unable to deal with people in social situations. It is that such situation create anxiety because people have never been a source of comfort. People are a source of anxiety.
That means that social anxiety is a learned avoidance response. Some of this learned anxiety can be dealt with using a simple fear desensitization program. I did this once with a teacher who approached me because I was using systematic desensitization for test anxiety with high school students. I used the systematic desensitization protocol for social anxiety with him and he liked the result.
The person with social anxiety feels anxiety around people and does not associate contact with people as calming. He or she feels better apart from people. The fantasy of the socially anxious is a cabin out alone in a wilderness place far away from anyone else.
The person with social anxiety may function fine in their present life but it is just very uncomfortable being them and being around people. They may avoid social situations that they should be part of and that may hinder them. I have hope that with fear desensitization and psychotherapy they can find greater comfort with loved ones and grow out of the social anxiety.
What Anxiety feels like:
Anxiety is distress. It's disquiet. It's a constant, relentless suspense. It feels like I need to run but I don't know what I am running from.
It feels like I am in danger and the threat is everywhere and invisible.It feels like I'm forgetting something, like I'm missing something important, like I won't ever be prepared.
How do I overcome my chronic anxiety disorder?
Anxiety is not a rational logical thing that has a simple self-helps solution. The short answer is a long solution and it will require therapy. Having anxiety is not something we can wish away but we can take steps to do things outside of our comfort zone. Social anxiety usually comes as a result of our history or trauma from early social experiences. Talk with a professional who can guide you to what will work for you. Anxiety paralyzes us but there are ways to make it better.
1. CORE BELIEFS: You may have a strong core-belief of "I AM NOT NORMAL", "I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH". You are stuck in your belief system since your childhood. By now your core beliefs are unconscious. Your core beliefs are locked into memories and experiences in your emotional brain. Self-help choices will not dislodge these. However, you can begin
to look over your childhood and teen years for significant events and people that may have shaped your core beliefs. Write the story about the event or the person with date, place, and feelings. Begin to think about what you may have come to believe as a result of this event or person.
2. LIST: Keep track of the things going right in your life. What are you grateful for? Sometimes when we are caught up in our "story", we just forget everything else, like horse with blinders on we look at whats "right ahead" (in your case, whats going wrong!!!!)
Suggestion: Make a list of not-so-bad things happening in your life. Start with the basics. Then make a list of things you like about yourself, maybe there is only ONE....just write it out anyway. And add to this list daily. If you are not into writing, record yourself or video tape yourself. find what works for you. Begin to thank God for what is going right, what is praiseworthy.
3. Recreation: What activity gets you out of your head? Singing in the shower? Dancing? Painting? Going for a walk? Running? Drawing? Writing? Reading? How do you take care of yourself? Get a break from worry thoughts by making a list of alternative activities that allow you to break out of your train of thought. So, think of whatever finds you 'relief' from this issue and start to give your brain some rest.
Suggestion: Look at how you helped yourself in the past and utilize it, also try to take a class or maybe learn a new skill, you never know what may help you! stay away from major substance abuse as that leads to a worse place in the end.
4. THERAPY:You will need some extra help,in identifying core beliefs and getting rid of them. We live in a world with billions of human beings and you must learn to reach out once in a while.
suggestion: . You can meet once a week or thrice up to you. The therapist can simply help you see clarity, and you don't have to be in therapy forever. The therapist will be your guide toward identifying your core beliefs and changing them. That will be enough.
What are life strategies to reduce general anxiety?
- Get enough sleep - How much? People say eight hours, but it’s probably more like 7–9. The point is, sleep enough. General anxiety can result from sleep deprivation. Your brain needs time to recover. Take 90 minutes to wind down before bed without tv or other screens. Turn off bright white lights and use dim lighting avoiding blue light. Listen to music. Soak in a bath. Go for a walk. Take some melatonin or sleep-enhancing tea. Do not have cell phones or charging of devices near your bed. Black out all lights.
- Calming activities - Once you get enough “hard rest” get some “soft rest” too. Your brain needs time to just calm down and chill out. Relax and listen to soaking praise music. Be still and repeat a calming Bible verse. Learn to tune out what you don’t need to spend attention on (newscasts and upsetting news or dramatic stories,) Do prayer walks. Enjoy a nature setting: a park, greenhouse, garden of place by the water.
- Exercise, no, really - Using the body to work out stress is a COMPLETE necessity. Those who experience physical stress need to work out the buildup of stress related chemicals in the body and exercise is the way to do it. Walking, swimming, running, lifting weights pushes stress related chemicals out of the muscles and joints, and incites the body to clean itself out. Spend time doing this each day. Don’t do nothing, do some pushups or air squats at least. Increase the time spent in walking everyday until you have 30 minutes per day. Do not spend over an hour in sitting. Take little breaks.
- Have a plan, organize your time - Studies show that having a plan in hand reduces feelings of anxiety. There’s expectation, and a comfort in knowing when to expect what.
- Practice saying “no” and being okay - Don’t feel the need to do everything. Understand your core values and know when you say “no” to something it’s fine and you’re alright. Step away from being everyone's helper, rescuer, go to person.
- Speak to Yourself - Turn bible verses into words spoken directly to you using your name. 'Jane, peace be with you. My peace be unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither be afraid.'
Q and A
Question: Is avoidant personality disorder the same as social anxiety?
Although they do sound the same, I believe that they can be distinguished. Let me try.
First lets look at Social Anxiety. I provided a systematic desensitization program for a teacher with social anxiety. He learned some methods of relaxing - tense and relax muscles, deep breathing and relaxing image - and we developed a ladder of events ranked on the amount of social anxiety they triggered from least to most.
When you look in depth at social anxiety the person does not find comfort in being with people. It is not about being shy or unable to deal with people in social situations. It is that such situation create anxiety because people have never been a source of comfort. People are a source of anxiety.
That means that social anxiety is a learned avoidance response. Some of this learned anxiety can be dealt with using a simple fear desensitization program. I did this once with a teacher who approached me because I was doing a test anxiety project with some students. I used the systematic desensitization protocol with him and he liked the result.
The person with social anxiety feels anxiety around people and does not associate contact with people as calming. He or she feels better apart from people. The fantasy of the socially anxious is a cabin out alone in a wilderness place far away from anyone else.
The person with social anxiety may function fine in their present life but it is just very uncomfortable being them and being around people. They may avoid social situations that they should be part of and that may hinder them. I have hope that with fear desensitization and psychotherapy they can find greater comfort with loved ones and grow out of the social anxiety.
This is different from the avoidant personality whose avoidance is focused on bonding, connection, intimacy with others and especially with one’s spouse. Non-intimate social contact is not an issue with the avoidant personality as it is for the one with social anxiety.
The avoidant Personality does not complain about anxiety around people or dream of getting away from people. They simply craft their social interaction so that they are never open or vulnerable to others. For example, they will not share anything to do with their feelings. Nor will they acknowledge other’s feelings. They have a way of participating in the world while living in deep detachment from it.
Every aspect of social interaction is modified by the avoidant personality so as to eliminate the risk of close personal interaction. This involves controlling appearances. In marriage it prevents intimacy. With friends it creates distance.
I would compare the avoidant personality with a psychopath because of the complete separation of social interaction - the persona - from the real inner person. Like the psychopath there appears to be underlying hostility toward others who might expose them. They are completely desperate in their need to avoid exposure or vulnerability.
In summary I would say the person with social anxiety may have treatable learned anxieties about social contact. These would be open to unlearning the fear responses. the avoidant personality has a much deeper commitment to people avoidance that becomes rooted into their personality and identity and is expressed in avoidance of authentic communication - anything with the possibility of creating real connection, closeness and intimacy.
The avoidant will avoid authentic change or therapy because it risks breaking their shell and creating intimacy.
What does it feel like to be in a relationship with someone with severe avoidant personality disorder?
Answer: To be in a relationship with someone with avoidant personality can drain one of life, love and health. It is also confusing and frustrating because the relationship is impossible to move into true connection or intimacy. You may blame yourself because it is not clear why the relationship is not working.
Avoidance is the result of deep pain from love, bonding and intimacy which the Avoidant Personality learns to avoid. Their painful experiences with love relationships results in avoiding love relationships. This learning happens as early as in the first year of life. It can be learned from a mother who is avoidant.
The Avoidant Personality avoids all forms of bonding, intimacy, connection with others on a heart to heart basis. This is consistent and unwavering. This avoidance is manifested in a myriad of ways but the result is intimacy avoidance.
It is as if, when at the altar getting married, one’s intended mate says ‘I do,’ but their heart says, ‘No I don’t.’ The heart decision never changes unless some heart healing takes place. Usually it never wavers from that decision. It is unreal!
So, yes, the Avoidant person avoids therapy if there is a risk of being vulnerable. In my experience with an avoidant personality she would get hostile and hateful if pressured to go into therapy. Fear, in this case, surfaces as hate.
The Avoidant spouse is as good as a Psychopath at keeping up appearances. Security depends on the outer mask and appearances. There is a great rage or hate if you disturb this safety.
You will notice the Avoidant Personality needs to be very private. This is true even from one's spouse. There is extreme anxiety about being seen. Curtains are never left open, for example.
Olivia never wanted curtains open so that anyone one the sidewalk could see in. She had no interest in seeing out if it meant someone could see in. Somehow there was safety in not being seen, like an ostrich hiding her head in the sand.
We know that people develop avoidant patterns very early in life. An avoidant pattern of attachment between mother and child can be detected at 12 months.
This happens when mother avoids the close relationship, avoids face to face interaction, does not smile and play with her infant, and fails to provide attentive care to her infant’s needs.
This avoidant pattern is fairly well established in childhood as a result of failure to bond to mother. If mother stays the same and no one else provides the loving bond the pattern will continue through childhood.
A few other experience may come along to support that pattern such as father deserts the family. Then first spouse leaves him or her.
By now the person has an accumulation of emotional experience to maintain the avoidance pattern. Their Emotional Brain can refuse to participate in a close relationship.
What this feels like is lonely. You are in a marriage officially but it does not feel like it because your spouse is not in the marriage at the heart level.
Eventually the sense of connection, love, unity fades until it was gone. The lack of connection will leave you dissatisfied with the marriage from early on until this point when nothing is left.
One is left with a lot of frustration in trying to communicate with your spouse about the marriage. However, Avoidants never do well with feedback, criticism, attempts to communicate about issues. They avoid - naturally. :-)
What if it is second nature for your mate to avoid any and all sharing of information, anything personal, even if it was important for your planning. That is so irrational that it becomes deeply confusing and disturbing. You are unable to grasp what is going on. It will drive you crazy.
Written by George Hartwell M.Sc. a Christian counsellor and registered psychotherapist with a masters in clinical psychology and 40 years experience.
Sessions with George bring people to healing experiences in a loving safe environment. His reliable and innovative methods provide a compassionate focus on people's feelings, a wise understanding of their issues and psychological and faith-based solutions for change.
Phone (416) 939-0544 to set uo an initial session/consult. Phone, Zoom, FaceTime only.
My fee schedule is $150 per hour. Payment is by bank transfer or PayPal transfer.
There is a money-back guarantee. If, in the first session, you decide this is not a good fit for you, we will stop the session and cancel any payment due. I want this to work for you and for me.
Question: Is avoidant personality disorder the same as social anxiety?
Although they do sound the same, I believe that they can be distinguished. Let me try.
First lets look at Social Anxiety. I provided a systematic desensitization program for a teacher with social anxiety. He learned some methods of relaxing - tense and relax muscles, deep breathing and relaxing image - and we developed a ladder of events ranked on the amount of social anxiety they triggered from least to most.
When you look in depth at social anxiety the person does not find comfort in being with people. It is not about being shy or unable to deal with people in social situations. It is that such situation create anxiety because people have never been a source of comfort. People are a source of anxiety.
That means that social anxiety is a learned avoidance response. Some of this learned anxiety can be dealt with using a simple fear desensitization program. I did this once with a teacher who approached me because I was doing a test anxiety project with some students. I used the systematic desensitization protocol with him and he liked the result.
The person with social anxiety feels anxiety around people and does not associate contact with people as calming. He or she feels better apart from people. The fantasy of the socially anxious is a cabin out alone in a wilderness place far away from anyone else.
The person with social anxiety may function fine in their present life but it is just very uncomfortable being them and being around people. They may avoid social situations that they should be part of and that may hinder them. I have hope that with fear desensitization and psychotherapy they can find greater comfort with loved ones and grow out of the social anxiety.
This is different from the avoidant personality whose avoidance is focused on bonding, connection, intimacy with others and especially with one’s spouse. Non-intimate social contact is not an issue with the avoidant personality as it is for the one with social anxiety.
The avoidant Personality does not complain about anxiety around people or dream of getting away from people. They simply craft their social interaction so that they are never open or vulnerable to others. For example, they will not share anything to do with their feelings. Nor will they acknowledge other’s feelings. They have a way of participating in the world while living in deep detachment from it.
Every aspect of social interaction is modified by the avoidant personality so as to eliminate the risk of close personal interaction. This involves controlling appearances. In marriage it prevents intimacy. With friends it creates distance.
I would compare the avoidant personality with a psychopath because of the complete separation of social interaction - the persona - from the real inner person. Like the psychopath there appears to be underlying hostility toward others who might expose them. They are completely desperate in their need to avoid exposure or vulnerability.
In summary I would say the person with social anxiety may have treatable learned anxieties about social contact. These would be open to unlearning the fear responses. the avoidant personality has a much deeper commitment to people avoidance that becomes rooted into their personality and identity and is expressed in avoidance of authentic communication - anything with the possibility of creating real connection, closeness and intimacy.
The avoidant will avoid authentic change or therapy because it risks breaking their shell and creating intimacy.
What does it feel like to be in a relationship with someone with severe avoidant personality disorder?
Answer: To be in a relationship with someone with avoidant personality can drain one of life, love and health. It is also confusing and frustrating because the relationship is impossible to move into true connection or intimacy. You may blame yourself because it is not clear why the relationship is not working.
Avoidance is the result of deep pain from love, bonding and intimacy which the Avoidant Personality learns to avoid. Their painful experiences with love relationships results in avoiding love relationships. This learning happens as early as in the first year of life. It can be learned from a mother who is avoidant.
The Avoidant Personality avoids all forms of bonding, intimacy, connection with others on a heart to heart basis. This is consistent and unwavering. This avoidance is manifested in a myriad of ways but the result is intimacy avoidance.
It is as if, when at the altar getting married, one’s intended mate says ‘I do,’ but their heart says, ‘No I don’t.’ The heart decision never changes unless some heart healing takes place. Usually it never wavers from that decision. It is unreal!
So, yes, the Avoidant person avoids therapy if there is a risk of being vulnerable. In my experience with an avoidant personality she would get hostile and hateful if pressured to go into therapy. Fear, in this case, surfaces as hate.
The Avoidant spouse is as good as a Psychopath at keeping up appearances. Security depends on the outer mask and appearances. There is a great rage or hate if you disturb this safety.
You will notice the Avoidant Personality needs to be very private. This is true even from one's spouse. There is extreme anxiety about being seen. Curtains are never left open, for example.
Olivia never wanted curtains open so that anyone one the sidewalk could see in. She had no interest in seeing out if it meant someone could see in. Somehow there was safety in not being seen, like an ostrich hiding her head in the sand.
We know that people develop avoidant patterns very early in life. An avoidant pattern of attachment between mother and child can be detected at 12 months.
This happens when mother avoids the close relationship, avoids face to face interaction, does not smile and play with her infant, and fails to provide attentive care to her infant’s needs.
This avoidant pattern is fairly well established in childhood as a result of failure to bond to mother. If mother stays the same and no one else provides the loving bond the pattern will continue through childhood.
A few other experience may come along to support that pattern such as father deserts the family. Then first spouse leaves him or her.
By now the person has an accumulation of emotional experience to maintain the avoidance pattern. Their Emotional Brain can refuse to participate in a close relationship.
What this feels like is lonely. You are in a marriage officially but it does not feel like it because your spouse is not in the marriage at the heart level.
Eventually the sense of connection, love, unity fades until it was gone. The lack of connection will leave you dissatisfied with the marriage from early on until this point when nothing is left.
One is left with a lot of frustration in trying to communicate with your spouse about the marriage. However, Avoidants never do well with feedback, criticism, attempts to communicate about issues. They avoid - naturally. :-)
What if it is second nature for your mate to avoid any and all sharing of information, anything personal, even if it was important for your planning. That is so irrational that it becomes deeply confusing and disturbing. You are unable to grasp what is going on. It will drive you crazy.
Written by George Hartwell M.Sc. a Christian counsellor and registered psychotherapist with a masters in clinical psychology and 40 years experience.
Sessions with George bring people to healing experiences in a loving safe environment. His reliable and innovative methods provide a compassionate focus on people's feelings, a wise understanding of their issues and psychological and faith-based solutions for change.
Phone (416) 939-0544 to set uo an initial session/consult. Phone, Zoom, FaceTime only.
My fee schedule is $150 per hour. Payment is by bank transfer or PayPal transfer.
There is a money-back guarantee. If, in the first session, you decide this is not a good fit for you, we will stop the session and cancel any payment due. I want this to work for you and for me.